What do you see when you look in the mirror?

This is my first attempt at a blog and I can honestly say, I’m not sure about the result! If a blog is just me sharing some thoughts and ideas that hopefully you will find useful, well it’s done. I tried reading one of those “The 10 essential elements of a good blog,” articles before I started, but there seemed to be too many don’ts rather than dos, so I stopped reading. Maybe I should just stick to being a counsellor…

Mirror, mirror

Most of us like to at least take a peek in the mirror from time to time to check if the hair looks like it should, the clothes are sitting right, or make sure that there aren’t any of the greens we had in our lunch salad caught in our teeth. But what are we really looking at or for?

There are so many external influences that rain down on us these days, even as an independent soul. On top of ever-expanding electronic interference, we tune into what our family, friends, or others say about us. We learn to evaluate ourselves with a critical eye: Is the reflection what we want to see, one of those ‘perfects’ that appear in so many Instagram/Snapchat pictures? Or do we want to see ourselves performing the right look? You know the one, the look projected by the new influencer hoping to expand on their fledgling flock of 47 followers. I think we mostly just want to look in the mirror, pause and be able to give ourselves a little smile.

We have expectations thrown at us from colleagues, parents, siblings, teachers, professors, or our significant other. We now talk of giving 120% effort, and we love our kids 1,000%. In the old money it was always 100% because that was it, the full amount. Times have changed, or have they?

When I was young, I would try to give 100% when I played my favourite sports, and if I didn’t or couldn’t, there was always the next game or next week to try again. School was a bit of a different matter. My friends called me 50% Turley because I was content with that. In those subjects that didn’t interest me, it was true that 50% was enough. But in others, even the ones I really enjoyed, I had great difficulty and found it really hard to reach even the 50% mark. I couldn’t spell and still really can’t. I found reading a chore, mainly because the words would move a bit when I was looking at the page. My handwriting was scrawly, nothing short of appalling really. Maybe it was just cleverly crafted to hide the spelling mistakes. Oh, how I wish that back in those days computers with spell check had been a part of my life, instead of large dictionaries, ink pens, biros, and A4 exercise books.

But I did it. I got some decent grades and went out into the world. Well actually, I went into the world, then went back to study, and then the world found me. Throughout most of this time, I had one thing that was a constant and was very important to me. I believed in myself and valued being me. This is largely thanks to my mum and grandfather – both please take a bow – and no thanks to my old man for whom I never made the grade. I was always a disappointment to him, never good enough and his view of me was consistently and harshly critical. However, thanks to my mum’s and grandfather’s belief in me, I was able to form a foundation of self-belief from which to explore the world. I found things I was good at and did them to the best of my ability. I enjoyed lots of things, discovering more as I travelled to all the places that the brochures and guide books didn’t know about. I also quickly learned that I wasn’t the best at many things, but I still enjoyed doing them, continuously trying, developing resilience, realizing what I could achieve and recognizing that it didn’t matter that there were things that were out of the reach of my abilities.

Sure, there were the hard and really ugly bits when I was growing up. The usual teenage traumas and joys with the school bully, friends, girlfriends and family. But that’s just, in varying degrees, the norm.

Through enjoying being with friends, being active, talking to those I trusted, and a couple of good reads, I continued to reaffirm who I was, and who I wanted to be. More times than not, when I looked in the mirror, I enjoyed seeing me looking back. This was the start of my ‘I am important to me’ moments, which are still important anchors as I navigate my way through life.

The most important person

When I work with my clients, I always tell them, “You are the most important person in the room.” Then I get them to repeat it. “I am the most important person in the room.” Most look back with eyes full of uncertainty and questions. I don’t say the best, just the most important. Thus, the dialogue begins, taking us down so many interesting paths. When pondering this statement, clients usually come to an understanding that they can only give to others what they feel about themselves. Having a day when your spiritual, mental, emotional, and/or physical self is feeling and working at a level that’s less than normal, gives an indication of what you’ve got to give others. For many, the next stage is getting comfortable with who they are now and then finding, maintaining, and believing in their ‘being-ness’ in order to become the most important person in the room. There’s work to be done.

Give it a try  

In seeking to maintain this greater sense of self, use the passion that’s inside of you to find enjoyment and understand the value in those things that you do well, and expand your vision by exploring new endeavours that you may have put off trying in the past. Whatever you think might make you feel good, do it. Go to training, the pool, the field, the gym, your special place. Put pen to paper, or fingers on the keyboard.

When we’re feeling a bit under the weather, we know we can’t give what we normally give. We can’t go the extra mile, can’t run as fast, can’t play as confidently, and find it difficult to create as we normally do. We can struggle to concentrate on solving problems, to think clearly, or to study. If that’s where you are at the moment, well that’s ok too. Things might be better later, or the next time you try. And guess what? Sometimes even at full capacity what you have might just be that – as good as it’s gonna get – and that’s perfectly fine. Your expectations can change, and that’s ok too.

It’s the same when you look into the mirror: you are the most important person in your world and today you are the best version of you. Enjoy being that person as much as you can. But if you think you are at a point where you want to work on improving or changing your best you, or you’ve got a nudge to further explore what and who you want to be, then set off down that track, and see where it takes you. You may come up with your own plan. That’s great. Just make sure you set achievable goals.

Choose your own adventure

 If you think you can do it alone, try it by yourself, but there are other resources you can tap into if that suits you better. You may discover your path through a simple read of the self-help variety – there are so many good articles and books to refer to. The only problem here is that there are so many to choose from, so good luck!

There are many books I have referred to clients over the years. Here are two that I particularly relate to. From my time in Japan and the impact that Japanese culture has had on me personally, I recommend Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life by Hector Garcia & Francesc Miralles which gives you a lot to ponder. The second I consider to be an oldie but a goodie from the Self-Esteem Chicken Soup series. Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Kimberly Kirberger, has always received very positive reviews over my many years working with high school students. Check out the whole Chicken Soup Self Help series to see what might appeal.

 Sometimes it’s easier to get some help

If you want the personal touch there is always someone who has the skill-set to help with the specifics of your needs and circumstances. If you know who to go to, go to them. It might be a member of your family or a friend who can help, or a coach or mentor who can talk through the possibilities and discuss what’s achievable and help set you on the right track.

Sometimes there are blocks that appear to hinder our ambitions. If there are some underlying issues that you think may be obstructing your progress, or you can’t seem to understand what’s going on, or you’re just not feeling like you think you should, get in contact with someone to ask them to help you. There are different people you can reach out to:

• Make an appointment at a local clinic or with your doctor.
• Contact local agencies that offer chat and helplines – many provide 24hour services with well-trained, friendly experts who can offer help and advice.
• See if there is a counsellor or therapist available in your area, or online.

I am available for an initial conversation or ongoing counselling sessions. If you would like to contact me, please do reach out using the message box on our contact page, or via email: linturley@qualityschools.net  

I am here to help you look in the mirror and choose your path, not someone else’s, because you are the most important person in the room.